So, lets talk about the time when two guys wearing matching outfits; white shirt and beige pants snuck into my home at 12 am on a Tuesday just to surprise me on my birthday. There was music, lots of balloons, a “The Fault In Our Stars themed” cake and more. It was absolutely perfect. Except the part where I had to shampoo my hair in the sink at 3 am because there was so much cake in it. But to be completely honest, this was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me on my birthday and I hope they know how grateful I am. At that moment, I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and I loved absolutely every second of it. Thanks you guys for THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

          Lets talk about the time that this one girl and I talked endlessly for hours into the night; when we almost pulled an all-nighter. ( I may have fallen asleep..) We never ran out of things to say. Every single time she used to come over, she used to fall over. Literally. We went on and on that night and we talked about almost everything absolutely everything there was to talk about. She has been like a sister to me, tolerating me even when I’m annoying and irritating. We kept pissing off my sister that night though, because we were talking too loudly   :P  she kept going “shh…SHHHHHHHH!!” But, what I want to say is that she has always been kind to me and I am so thankful for that.

Lets talk about the time I was introduced to these amazing girls who have the most “creative” minds ever. (NO JOKE) They’re two of the weirdest people I know and yet somehow, they’re the coolest as well! There hasn’t been a single moment that I have been hesitant to tell them anything, and I am so happy that both these girls are in my life right now.  It’s really nice when you find people who understand you perfectly. You know when you become really close to some people; you just greet them with insults? :P

Thanks for being amazing friends, you losers :P I’m kidding, love you loads! J

 Lets talk about the long phone conversations and weird Skype calls, with ugly filters and ugly faces I’ve had with this one guy. That one guy who always seems to kill me with all the poetic justice he throws my way. He manages to shut me up every single time he says something deep, because my fear is that I’ll say something totally stupid and unrelated… like pizza. His classiness is on another level. Along with his general “classiness”, come his classy jokes. Now that is something I still haven’t quite figured out about him :P Apparently I wont get them because they’re too classy for me. The thing is, this guy is simply amazing. He’s been there for me and I’m ever so grateful, and I can only hope that he realizes that.

                        “No heroes, villains, one to blame

                        While wilted roses fill the stage

                        But the show, it cant go on..”

Now, lets talk about the time that I had to introduce myself to this new kid at school and when I worked up the courage to actually go talk to him, all that came out of my mouth was :

“Well, this is awkward!” and “I swear I’m not stalking you.”  

Slow clap for you Aakansha. Smooth. -_-

I mean, who says that! Obviously I do.

But eventually, we became good friends and I’m so glad that I got to know him in the first place J See, he has this habit of dropping expensive cameras :P But I guess the stunning photographs he takes makes up for that.  Although I’ve not known him for long, I feel like I can tell him anything and I have no doubt that he will always be there for me. He’s an amazing person and I really hope he knows how much he means to all of us.

Lets talk about this other guy who for some reason decides to remain friends with me even when I’m the most depressing, pessimistic and “unspirational” person to be around. He pisses me off, a lot but he also makes me laugh, a lot . (Insane seal kind of laughter) I know for a fact that I don’t give him enough credit for everything that he’s ever done for me, but I am just so thankful. I know that I can rely on him to make my day better. He has had my back since day 1 and I couldn’t be happier J But in the end all that I can say is that he is my machaan :P and that my machaan is cooler than yours.

There was this day that I was chased around the school by two lunatics, each with bottles of water in their hands threatening to pour it all on my head. (Aaah good times.) One of these crazy kids was this really goofy guy with a big heart.

Although, I didn’t appreciate it when he created a character on his ps3 and named it Aakansha. Oh wait, that wasnt the worst part. He proceeded to play a skiing game where he kept throwing “virtual me” off a cliff. Thanks.

He’s an amazing person and I wouldn’t change a thing about him.

She is the one person who knows me inside out and blah blah blah. If I wrote all this mushy stuff about her, she would tell me to lay off the cheese :P She locks me out of the apartment a lot, we make up little dances and practice them until we can pull them off flawlessly, and we binge watch Grey’s Anatomy and crib about Shonda Rhimes being cruel. We make fun of “10 year old me” by reading my diary aloud, we have deep conversations while we brush our teeth, and we fight about who washes the dishes. I catch her lying to my face one second and confessing the next because I give her the “look”, we make pointless imovie trailers together and we play “who can punch the other harder”. We’ve done so much together, but there’s so much more we’re going to do.

 

This is long overdue, but I just wanted to say that over the years, we’ve only grown closer and closer, and made memories that we know will last forever. There’s not a single day that goes by that I’m not grateful for all you super cool-amazing-badass friends. The worst part is that we don’t have control over anything that is going to happen. Uncertainty is really scary; it’s a terrifying feeling. But something that I know for sure is that the least we can do is be happy.

The door was firmly shut; I never liked it that way. I preferred it to be open, because I had nothing to hide. I twisted the handle and gently pushed it. There it was, the place that was witness to most of my joys, sorrows and stupidity. My room.

The room was dark because the curtains were closed. I didn’t like that either. I walked over to the window and opened the blinds allowing light to flood in. it looked so much better. I placed my fingers on the plain white walls, thinking of all the fond memories I had made in that very room. The bed was smoothened out at all the edges and looked as if it had never been used. I walked over, sat down and took a deep breath. The room looked untouched. Across from my bed was the table which held my laptop, a few books and some random knick-knacks.

To my left, on the wall hung my dream board. I walked over to it, feeling guilty as I got closer. I hung up all the things I wanted to achieve in my life on that board. All the goals, dreams, places I wanted to visit, little notes that I had made to help me get to where I wanted to be in life hung on that little board. I never took those goals seriously, as I peered at the many slips of paper and magazine cut outs, at that moment I wished that I had taken them seriously. It was too late now anyway.

I turned my face away from the wall and walked to the other side towards my table. My laptop was positioned at the edge of my desk. I fired it up and noticed that there were a few tabs open. The first one was where my music was playing from. Thankfully, it wasn’t Justin Bieber. I smiled, remembering how I never used to listen to his music and anything else could easily satisfy me. I clicked on the next tab and a website about Bullying and Depression popped up. I looked intently at the screen, but I just couldn't remember why I was on that site. I glanced away from the device and noticed a few decorated note books lying close by. I picked one up and noticed that the cover read

                          “Insecurity kills all things beautiful”

That was my favorite book, I used to pen down all my thoughts and ideas even if they were pointless. I thought that they would come in handy somewhere along the road. I never got the chance to use it. I dropped the book onto the table and shut my eyes tight. I didn't want to remember. I couldn't handle it. I clenched my fists, took a deep breath and opened my eyes again.

I walked away from the desk towards my bedside table. I saw a hint of blue peeking out through the contents of a worn basket. I pulled it out and saw that it was a roll of painters tape. I had always wanted to paint the walls in my room. I wanted vibrant sea foam green. I never got around to doing it until…

I had the sudden urge to look underneath my bed. I lifted the thin bed sheet and looked underneath. I saw a small little jar and reached for it. I picked it up, it felt cool in my palm. I got back onto my feet and sat down on my bed. The jar had a year scribbled onto it using permanent marker. It read “2013”. I unscrewed the lid out of curiosity and emptied it out. Only a few strips of paper fell out of the jar. Figures, I wasn’t having a good year anyway. The jar was supposed to be filled to the brim with the good memories I had.

I looked around the room once again; there was nothing more I wanted to see. I glanced at my bed, the plain white walls and my desk wishing that it could all just go back to the way it once was. I was slightly startled when I saw the door knob turn, I moved away as I saw a woman enter the room. Her face was pale and her eyes looked sunken. She looked tired, as if she had been crying. As if she couldn’t take it anymore. She walked around my room and sat down on my bed. She rubbed her palms on the sheets and I noticed that a single tear rolled down her cheek. She quickly stood up and began towards the door. As she stepped out of the room, she took one last look behind her, and on her face was something both peculiar and beautiful. It was a smile. She looked straight at me and sighed. There was something strange about the way she was looking at me, she was looking past me..through me. I wanted to say something but I just couldn’t find the right words. She wiped her tears and walked away. My mother walked away.

If only I was alive.